Jollibee's on Beverly

I'm a huge marketing geek - can't get enough targeted messages, commercials, mascots, logos, creative product names, etc. RARELY do I take off my overly-analytical cap and allow myself to be swept up in the magic of a marketing campaign. But one day, two months ago, it happened...

I was driving down Beverly when I saw a new fast food outlet in construction. Red and yellow... a new McDonald's maybe? Blah. Boring. But then a couple days later I saw the sign: JOLLIBEE'S. Complete with a freakin' adorable bee mascot wearing a chef's hat. Jollibee's - Jolly Bee. A jolly bee mascot! Love at first sight, I was hooked.

It took me a few weeks to get out to the new Jollibee's, but in the meantime I did some research. Jollibee's is basically the Filipino version of McDonald's. In fact, there are more Jollibee's in the Philippines than there are McDonald's, probably because our Filipino friends find the McDonald's molester clown just a little bit creepy (understatement) and would rather break bread with a Jolly Bee instead. Wouldn't you?

I also learned that Jollibee's specializes in chicken, burgers, and spaghetti. You read that right - SPAGHETTI. Fast food spaghetti, nonetheless. Genius.

Part of what makes Jollibee's so great is their overly-obvious use of catchy product names and borderline ridiculous advertising. I'd love to hear the creative discussions behind these ads:
"Let's see if we can get the woman's eyes closed in post so she looks more entranced in her chickenjoy experience."
"Spicy chickenjoy is hot, and when you're hot, you sweat, so we need to show the guy wiping sweat off his brow. Yeah, good, that looks perfect. Now we need to fix the top image so that he appears to be 'making love' to the chickenjoy. Perfect."


Product names are everything! I mean, what sounds better: Big Mac or Juicy Yumburger? Fried Chicken or Crispy Chickenjoy? And with Chickenjoy, you even have a choice: you can Chick ENJOY or Chicken JOY. Swell!

Here's what I ate. Make no mistake, it was mostly terrible - maybe the worst fast food I have ever had in my life. But you gotta give 'em credit for the marketing effort...

Crispy Chickenjoy: slightly worse than KFC, not even in the same league as Popeye's. Passable, but not enjoyable.


Jolly Burger with Jolly Fries: Brian said it tasted like a school cafeteria hamburger. Meat was OK, but the bun was particularly awful and really dry. The fries seemed suspiciously like the Burger King fries, but cold. Thumbs Down.


Jolly Spaghetti: This ain't no Italian spaghetti. I'm not sure WHAT is was. The sauce was sweet, almost like barbeque sauce, with cheddar cheese on top (what?). I don't even understand this dish, or the fact that you can order it in the drive-thru (how do you eat it in your car?). Two big thumbs down. Heinous.


The sweets were a little better.
Pearl Cooler: it's like a Boba Tea milkshake. This is pretty good, if you like Boba. Me, not a fan: I feel like I'm sucking eyeballs through a straw. But the taste of the shake part was really good - possibly pistachio flavoured? The Filipino equivalent of the Shamrock Shake - they also have a purple one in Ube flavour, which looks like it would be grape but is actually coconut-chocolate.

If you look at the cup while you're drinking, you feel like you're sucking the little bee eyeballs right out of his head.

Banana Langka Pie: Sort of like the McDonald's apple pie, but supposedly in a different flavour. Langka is jackfruit, which I've never had, so I have no idea what this is supposed to taste like. But it was pretty flavour neutral. I only ate a bite - not worth the calories.


Halo-Halo Supreme: No, there is no regular Halo Halo, just supreme. And, it's pronounced Hollow (as in Mahalo), not HAY-lo as in, the thing angels have on their head. Listen to stupid me asking for the HAY-lo HAY-lo and the lady at the counter says, "OK, one Hollow Hollow." Sheesh.

This was the most interesting dish of the lot. And so COLOURFUL - I loved it! I have no idea what any of the ingredients are, but going strictly by color, some of them were ice creamy (lavender, orange), some of them had the consistency of red bean mochi (maroon, dark purple), some were gummy (green) and some crunchy (tan). It's served on top of crushed ice, so you stir it all up into a big ugly mess. Red + Orange + Green + Purple + Tan = Ugly. But tasty.

After all this food, I was still hungry. Mostly because I only took one or two bites of everything and threw the rest away, even the fries.

Bottom line: Jollibee's did not make me Jolly. It made me Glum. Very Glum.